As hard as I try to stay upbeat and positive, there are days when it's hard. Days when I want more than anything to be able to DO things, and I'm just not able to. Yesterday was one of those days.
I've been having some persistent hip and leg trouble since before my diagnosis. It's been hanging on for about two months now and worsened pretty dramatically over the last few days, to the point where standing, sitting and walking are all pretty painful. I wake myself up at night because it hurts to roll over - even more to get up to go to the bathroom. David is having to fill Fred's water bowl because I cannot bend over to pick it up off of the floor.
I saw my family practice doc yesterday, and he says I've pinched a nerve. He also thinks my swollen lymph nodes may be contributing to the stiffness and soreness. He suggests I'll feel better when I start back on Prednisone next week, and then probably worse again when I am off it. In the meantime, I'm coping with the help of some muscle relaxants and the Vicodin they gave me on Monday. My chest is tight too, due to swelling from the port placement. That's actually a good thing - I was afraid my chest was congested - I really do NOT want to get sick the week before chemo starts again. My lungs are clear though, so that's not a concern.
Anyway, I'm kind of a wreck physically right now. I went to the grocery store yesterday after my doctor's appointment with a relatively short list. I didn't even make it through the produce section when I knew I'd made a mistake. My right leg was dragging, my weight balanced on the handle of the shopping cart as pain shot through my hip. I waited for my order at the deli, doing some deep breathing and trying to focus on anything other than how badly I was hurting. I was also trying to look as normal as possible, not wanting to draw attention to myself. The woman at the deli counter asked "How are you today?" and I responded brightly "Great, thanks!" while thinking "I don't know if I can stand here long enough for you to slice my half pound of ham and provolone. Would it be wrong to lie down on the floor?"
I did manage to get all of my groceries in the cart, through the checkout line and into the car. I had to physically lift my leg into the car before closing the door, and then sat there shaking and sweating for a few minutes before driving home. I got the perishables in the house and put away, leaving the rest in the car for Katherine to get later and collapsed on the couch. That's it. Done for the day. One lousy trip to the grocery store and I'm drained. How about the laundry that needs doing? The sink that needs scrubbing? The dog that needs walking? Forget it.
I know that this is temporary. I know that. That doesn't make me feel better right now, though. This is my JOB we're talking about here. Taking care of my family and my home. Lately, I am not doing a stellar job of either one. That makes me angry. Anyhow... some days it's just hard to be funny.