I had a chance to talk to Dr. N yesterday. He is hesitant to do the other two chemo sessions because I'm having so much pain with the neuropathy caused by the Vincristine. I told him I do NOT want my pain to be a factor in doing or not doing the chemo. If he feels another two sessions would be beneficial, I want to do them. He agreed to wait and look at the PET scan results before making any decision. I love that he is concerned about my pain, but I have my eye on the prize - a longer remission. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. I can push through the pain. Rashan said I was a warrior. Maybe I am.
I asked him if the neuropathy would go away after chemo. He said "probably". Ahh.... as always, there are no definites when dealing with cancer. Just "probablys" and "hopefullys". I'm learning to deal better with this. I have always been someone who wants to be in control of everything. I was never comfortable without a definite plan. I'm the one who wants to know where we are going, when we will get there, what we'll do while we are there and when we will be leaving. God is using cancer to cure me of this. To learn to let go of my need to be in control and to lean on Him. He is the only definite in my life. He is in control and He wants what is best for me - always.
Speaking of Rashan - my friend and trainer (back in the day when I was in the gym four days a week - BC - before cancer) - he stopped by to see me on Sunday. I apologized for not being in the gym and he told me he understood. He said he'd be there for me when I was able to get back. I told him he'd better be - we had an important job to do - get me strong and ready for my relapse and stem cell transplant. I need to be as healthy and fit as possible when it's time. Whenever that is. And then, post-transplant, we'll have to do it all again. I need to start getting my head back in the game as soon as possible. Rashan asked me if I was keeping God in my life and I told him that I am. It would be impossible to get through this without Him. We shared a good hard hug - there are few things more healing than a hug from a friend. Thanks, Rashan!
Wow... this is turning into a novel, but bear with me - I think I'm almost done.
I'm dragging today after chemo. I had to take some of my anti-nausea medicine last night - fortunately it worked. I'm really tired today and my throat is burning - a new symptom, but I think it's from the chemo. I will look it up later, but I think the Cytoxan can do that.
David told me to go ahead and send Fred to daycare today - we both need that. He needs to work off some energy, and I need to have some quiet time where I do NOT have to throw the ball or play blankie or type one-handed with 15 lbs of very warm dog on my lap, or run downstairs every 15 minutes when he blatantly lies to me and says he needs to go out when what he really wants is a carrot. I love him, but he is a typical two year old, and this mom badly needed a break today.
I'm planning to have coffee tonight with my sisters of the heart, so I'm trying to conserve energy today. I'm GOING to have coffee even if I have to lay on their laps while I drink it. And you know what - they'd let me 'cause that's how much they love me. And I love them right back. Bunches.
Focused prayer requests:
- energy and relief from pain and nausea
- a good clean PET scan
- that I would stop looking at the kitchen timer to see who is calling when the phone rings :::shaking head:::: forget about that one - I don't think it's likely that will change.